I think there are a lot of people that look at my life and see this.
And that’s how it feels somedays.
But at the same time, my life is better than it’s ever been.
Not because it makes sense or is particularly functional right now. But because I am being more real than I’ve ever been, mess and all. And because my wrecked, busted ass, burnt, scattered pile of bricks is a sign of just how hard I am working at trying to tear down and figure out what is and what isn’t real in my life.
I am reengineering and rebuilding myself.
Not that what I have built up to this point in my life has been bad. In fact, it’s been a great life. And considering my past and what I came from, and what I might have become if I believed what other people told me I should believe, then I’ve done a pretty good job. I didn’t do it perfectly, but I don’t regret a moment.
However, if you are living life, really living life, then life will call you to change.
And though it may be calling you to change, unfortunately, it isn’t always obvious all the ways it should change. It’d be really awesome if when life started calling you to change, that it would also give you a little note with specific directions. But it doesn’t. What is really challenging, is when the changes you feel the urge to make, are completely different from the foundation you’ve built in your life up to that point. And that in itself is ok, except, when your not really finished with the jobs and commitments you started.
Like raising kids.
So I’ve spent my fair share of my time howling at the moon and banging my head into a wall, just trying to make sense of all these things.
What do I really want? And how can I make all these wildly conflicting changes in my life while still honoring what I started? What do I want to teach my children in life? Who do I want my children see me become? How do I do this all for myself and yet still be there for them, being the woman that they can look on for direction, guidance and an example.
Once you start a family it becomes a freight train in the direction you started, it is not easy to change tracks. Not that life is ever about easy, but any changes you contemplate making that would change that track are non trivial to accomplish.
It can be really hard sometimes, and I really don’t resent having to howl at the moon, or bang my head on the wall. That is part of what comes along with having the ability and privilege of being able to create your life. I often wished it was easier, or it wouldn’t hurt so much. And I deeply regret the negative effects my turmoil has on those around me who care. I do try to minimize it as best as I can, but it sometimes leaks out.
I am doing the best I can to create something beautiful in this world. Not only for myself, but for all the people I really care about.
When you are writing a blog there is the desire to have some sort of answer.
I’m sorry I don’t have one for you.
I do have this though, if you are howling at the moon and banging your head against a wall then know you’re not alone.
And,
We are all just doing the best we can.
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